hey, 2017

[Warning: Long post ahead]

This year has been my hardest yet. It began with heartbreak with the passing of my grandmother on New Year’s Day. It was then followed by a torturous few months of surgeries for both my mother and my sister paired with the waiting game for my mother’s cancer test results. We were at first told things were excellent, then suddenly without notice we were told things were not looking good. Stress and fear ensued as we struggled to come to terms with a scary prognosis, chemotherapy and radiation, constant hospitalizations, and possible metastasis.

And in the middle of all this, my sister and I moved to a new city [the biggest move I’ve ever done], my brother moved home, my father sold his business, and I was unemployed for 8 months. It was havoc. 

I think the worst was facing the idea of my mother’s life being in danger. We seem to uphold this childlike belief from our younger years that our parents are invincible and will always be around. I felt that way until her diagnosis.

But suddenly everything I had ever said to her or done wrong by her came crashing down and I realized how terribly I had treated her as a teenager; a girl who at the time craved space and independence.

Now I wanted nothing more than to help her, heal her, be next to her. 

But I couldn’t be. I was in Toronto now, and my life was here, despite my arguments to cancel my move to stay home and take care of her. She would not allow it. The original plan had been to find a job while still living in Nova Scotia, conveniently having it lined up for when I made the move. But with her diagnosis and everything else going wrong at home, it got pushed further and further down the road until it was finally time to leave. I arrived in Toronto and realized I needed to put my mother’s mind at ease by ensuring I could look after myself, at least financially. I would sit in my room and wonder how I was meant to concentrate. My mind was so cloudy.

Most days I woke up in tears after a nightmare of my mom being gone.
Some days my speech was jumbled and I struggled to form sentences when I spoke.
Some days I could not force my body out of bed.
Some days I would sit in front of the computer for eight hours and realize I’d only applied to one job.

And every day, I just wanted to go home. 

Friends would ask me how the job hunt was going. At first, I pitifully would tell them it was not good. When asked again, my curt reply would be “Oh yeah, they’re great, thanks”. I started lying. I started making up how many applications I was sending out per day to make myself feel better. It got to the point where I was going to parties and get-togethers, introducing myself with a new career identity to every person I met. I loathed advice. I flinched at any helping hand.

Even when I tried to be extremely honest and explain why this was difficult for me, it felt like nobody understood. Nobody really got it, you know? They figured it was okay to be sad about my personal life for a while, but not for this long. Not so long and so deeply that it affected my ability to work towards my future. But the truth was, I was not well. And when people kept asking repeatedly, I felt like shaking them, trying to make them understand as they blindly, endlessly asked why I hadn’t yet found a job.

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Despite everything, I can’t pretend I haven't learned from what's happened. I've been taught to never take family for granted. I am lucky to have a family and no matter what happens between us, I will always tell them how much I love them and what they mean to me.

Things can change so quickly.

I have learned how to be alone. I had friends in Toronto when I moved here, but with me being unemployed while they were at work, I was forced to budget my time and be motivated while on my own, something I tend to struggle with as an extravert who draws energy from being with people.

I have learned that others holding me accountable pushes me. By using my friends as motivators, I successfully started running, implementing a 5-6 day per week workout routine, meal prepping and cleaning regularly. Admittedly this fluctuates depending on my mood, and is something I’m continuously working on. 

2018, I hope you are more kind to me. I had made a lot of goals for 2017 that were flattened and tossed aside given the circumstances. Part of me says I’m making excuses, but another part of me says I had good reasons for this abandonment. I don’t know what to believe. I just want to believe this year will be better. I can make it better. It’s all about your outlook, after all. 

Thanks for reading. I may know you, or I may not, but either way you have now had a peek into my inner psyche. As humans, we crave connection and that’s what I hope to translate to my readers with this blog.

Here's to a new year. 

— K. JO